So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
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Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
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Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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