remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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