Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
