in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
