Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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