you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
