I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
