she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
