dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
BRING THE BAGELS
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
im on a boat
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