Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
