Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
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