Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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