I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
