I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
