The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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