Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
