I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
