i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Terrible idea I love it
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
