Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Randomize
