if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
