i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
