Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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