have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
