I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
