His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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