Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
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I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
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Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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