In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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