so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
