3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
