I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
