Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
