If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
