Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
