4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
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Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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