I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
