alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
