There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
