Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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