I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
