all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
