He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
