with your own penis?
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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