Your mouth is God's brothel.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
