it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
