I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
