Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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