Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
