I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
