Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
