I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Randomize
