On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
