Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
