Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize