How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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