I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
