I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
