I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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